If I were your latex salesman..

by mattva13

Working in the political field I get “So are you going to run one day?” quite a bit. I have no desire, however, to run for anything ever. Of course that may change but I doubt it very seriously. Anyway, I decided to list what I would do if I were elected President of the United States. I’ll likely be adding to it with additional blogs for fun. I am aware that many of these are impossible and that I have not attached the fiscal plans for implementation either. Don’t message me asking how I would do this shit. I haven’t put that much thought into it just like a lot of politicians. Ask George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan if they knew how they were going to pay for things. The more serious proposals are mixed with the ridiculous, you know, just like congress does it. Some of these are very serious that I’d like to see happen and could be implemented. Some are half true/half funny. And some are just silly but would be awesome if it were possible.They aren’t in any particular order, I’ll let you sort that all out…

  • Betty White will be made a Living National Treasure. This includes a Betty White Day where one is encouraged to do at least four hours of community service followed by binge-watching the Golden Girls.
  • Any place of higher learning that accepts any type of government funding (financial aid, grants, student loans, etc.) must provide an itemized list of where tuition money funds. No vague terms as “administration cost”. When we purchase items at a gas station we receive an itemized receipt listing exactly what we’re paying for. When we buy that ungodly amount of beef jerky, we see that, it’s not list as “unhealthy/delicious food”. I understand that not everything can be listed individually, so the rest will be available to access online to any student. As President it will be my goal to make places of higher-learning as transparent as the local 7-Eleven.
  • I will limit Nicholas Cage and Tyler Perry to two movies per year with a lifetime limit of ten starting immediately.
  • If you do not have a uterus or are not a licensed OBGYN, you cannot write nor vote for legislation regulating said uteruses.
  • PAC’s and campaigns will have new regulations with more to be implemented in the future:

– are allowed to only run commercials up until six months before an election.

– Commercials must not air more than three times a day, fifteen times a week for any media market.

– Corporations or individuals cannot donate more than 2,500 to any candidate, their campaign, or PAC.

  • The National Anthem can be substituted with Uptown Funk whenever appropriate.
  • A universal healthcare system will replace the current for-profit system. Every citizen will qualify. This includes immigrants who have lived here for at least two years.
  • All iPhone charge cords sold in the US must be at least 9 feet long.
  • The federal minimum wage will be raised to $12.50. Businesses with 500 employees will have three years to do this. Businesses with less than 500 will have five years. Wages will be permanently tied to inflation thereafter.
  • Religious and corporate lobbyists will be banned from state and federal government. They cannot contact elected officials in any way, shape, or form. Non-profits will be allowed to lobby, but not financially. The NRA will not be allowed to lobby whatsoever. No exceptions.
  • Driving under the speed limit in the left lane will be punishable by life in prison under a three strikes rule for repeat offenders.
  • New gun laws: Universal background checks will be required to purchase any firearm, anywhere. Magazine clips will be limited to 10 rounds. If you cannot hit your target with ten shots, you don’t need a gun. To purchase handguns or semi-automatic rifles one must go through a two week program that includes proper training and a mental health evaluation. This will be required for the first purchase after the law is implemented and renewed every three years for all gun owners. All open-carry activists must also wear a lapel pin informing the public of their small penis to explain their antics.
  • Mens Rights Activist organizations will be identified as hate groups. They will also have to wear lapel pins similar to those of open-carry activists.
  • The defense budget will be cut by 70%. No pay cuts to service men and women, nor to any area involving their safety will be allowed.
  • Community college will be free to any citizen.
  • All public school’s that receive federal funding handbooks must include sexual orientation and gender identity in their anti-bullying and codes of conduct polices.
  • The internet will be classified as a public utility every locality must provide. High-speed internet must be available to rural areas such as Appalachia by 2018.
  • Tuition to four-year universities will be done on a sliding scale for those under the age of 30. Those 30 and above now will be grandfathered in.
  • The military enlistment age will be raised to 21.
  •  Marijuana will be decriminalized federally. Medical marijuana will be allowed in all 50 states regardless of state laws.
  • Unless there is an immediate and direct threat to safety such as the case in WWII, the decision to go to war must go through a process similar to a constitutional amendment: passed by two-thirds of the House and Senate, and approved by three-fourths of the states.
  • Standardized testing will be removed from all public schools. Recorders in elementary school music classes will be prohibited as well. Both are the devil.
  • Internet commercials of any length will be banned. In addition, a “skip ad” feature will be required for all television commercials.
  • Comprehensive sex education will be required in all public schools with no exemptions for religion. Furthermore, abstinence-only programs will not be allowed.
  • By executive order I will temporary halt production of The Expendables until Joe Biden is cast as in the lead role for the next three films. I will also order the producers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette to cast Joe B. for the next two seasons of both shows.

And for those who aren’t Seinfeld fans and didn’t get the title….

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